The Human Resource: View from a Cynic (a poem)
I’ve got your application here.
You’re a Minneapolis native?
I ask these things as “need to know.”
You see, here, we’re “participative”!
Your predecessor’s out the door.
Problems too numerous to mention.
Listen to me and you’ll be fine,
And you’ll be here to get your pension.
I want weekly status reports.
Fully describe how your past week went.
Tell me all your work planned and done,
And, oh yeah, “practice empowerment”!
You’re empowered – apply yourself!
But do everything that I tell you!
If you don’t, you’ll feel it later
When I do your performance review!
See H.R. for the forms to sign
And later I’ll show you the budget.
And after some experience,
Then I’ll show you how to, ah, “fudge” it.
Know the key factors in your life:
The Company’s sales and production,
Its net income, its marketshare –
And understand “globalization”!
And, understand customers’ needs.
Yes, always give what must be given!
You simply have to, there’s no choice.
You see, here, we’re “customer-driven”!
Between you and your employees,
Always “honor the new covenant.”
If they doubt you, and you need help:
Yes, if you’re stuck, they’ve courses in
Whatever you think you are needing.
Courses in time or stress management,
Team building – or even in Leading!
Our consultant says, “We must change,
And let ‘change’ be our incantation
If we’re to meet our grandest goal:
To ‘transform our organization’.”
That damn H.R.! Their latest fad?
“To appreciate diversity!”
(You’re short on your quotas, you know,
So, now, bring in more minorities!)
Yes, we have “soul in the workplace,”
But don’t let your feelings delay us!
Our company’s ever-onward,
And doing it, “thriving on chaos!”
You can be here from “womb to tomb” –
You just take what The Company gives!
Commit yourself to its mission,
To its strategies, its objectives!
Yes, dot your “i”s and cross your “t”s
In all documents signed, filed or sent.
With luck and visibility,
You, too, can make Middle Management!
Me? Met one of my MBO’s:
I computed the budget today.
Planned more than I ever needed
So my year-end spending is OK.
I “continuously improve”!
I bought all these new books off the shelf.
I took the time and scanned them some,
Then promptly “reinvented myself.”
I have my MBA, you know.
Yes, I can take pride in my leisure!
But, there’s always something to do,
A new policy, new procedure …
Sometimes I wish I could relax,
Take a minute and do what I please …
But then we’d lose sight of our goal:
To compete like those damn Japanese!
Well, that’s all for today. I’m done.
You can go now. This is a good start.
Have any questions, just ask me,
Over you, right here on this org chart …
Disjointed, diffused, brain-dead and dumb,
Dumped here in my tomb, stone alone.
A third of my life, empty and numb.
“Good doggy! Keep fetching that bone!”
Other resources about cynicism are located at Cynicism
For the Category of Personal Wellness:
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